“I was made to believe there’s something wrong with me, and it hurts my heart, Lord have mercy ain’t it plain to see  that this is a Cold War” Cold War, Janelle Monae

This is a free write so please bare with me on any grammar, spelling and or punctuation errors. Now, it’s amazing how this line affects me like it did when I was maybe 13/14 years old. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but I know I was in high school. When I first heard that line I didn’t understand exactly what she was saying, but I knew I felt for lack of better words the pain that was being expressed. At the time I didn’t know if it was from low self esteem, or some sort of subconscious thing that will later become a conscious thought, but I knew that the line had a deeper meaning to it.

Here I am 22 years old and I still feel some sort of ambiguous feeling about the line. Not towards the line but towards myself. I’ve obviously grown mentally from 9 years ago and I am more aware of who I am, but I still question myself from time to time. I always feel I should be better than who I am but I don’t know where to start. I feel horrible for being out touch with things happening politically and socially with number 45, black people, and being a black woman. I wish I had more time and energy to do the things I want to do. This wont become some melodramatic blog post lol, but I hope that the couple of questions I’ve asked myself my current mental state. I am proud of who I am/ became but I want more I know I can provide more.

I’m going to write more, this feels nice. And I know I kind of ended this blog abruptly but *shrugs* there will be more.